I've got to get down to something.

All right kids, this one ain't so uplifting. Grammar police, get started.

I don't know what is wrong with me these days. These past 2 days to be exact. Nothing has clicked. Nothing has been an extraordinary amount of fun, or even memorable. Nothing has made me want to wake up or go to sleep. I'm just in this constant straight line that doesn't shift up or down. The line itself is pretty low to begin with. I think I can trace it back to a big ol' fucking mistake I made last April 11th. It has limited my room for any kind of growth in EVERY aspect of my life. I got myself one of them there DUI's that are all the rage. Let me tell you, it's not so awesome. It's the exact opposite. I would, however, wish it on my worst enemy.

Let's count the ways right now, that this stupid fucking mistake has put a damper on my fun, and made it virtually impossible for me to succeed at anything... or as I like to call it.. a whole bunch of negative thoughts.

Work. Not being able to drive has made progressing through the company I work for all but completely impossible. We are a company who works in peoples houses. However, these people don't really live in any kind of predetermined SEPTA bus pattern. There was a position that opened up for a Project Manager at our 309 store. This is something that, as a company, we are building ourselves on. I've had this job before, and performed it to a pretty high level of success. It's something that was a challenge, that at first I didn't think I'd be able to do. I remember talking to my family on several occasions and really panicking about how I wasn't going to be able to do it. But, I did. I learned the ins and outs, and taught myself how to do it. This changed the way the position was laid out, and made me look pretty good in the process. I couldn't be considered for this job... why? Good question class, allow me to answer. The job requires travel... and once again, more travel than is possible with my predicament. Not. Possible. This makes my growth opportunity limited to one of three locations, with no possibility of traveling from one place to another. Off the company insurance, no car to illegally drive, the list goes on and on.

Personal and professional advancement. How can I do this? Personal advancement isn't limited to the places I can drive, but the amount of money I can ultimately make and the things I can do with that money are certainly affected. In a perfect world, you start a job and work your way up to the highest position you can aspire to have. I've hit that wall, or so I feel. I'm asked to develop more effective, and better ways of doing what I do. This will get my 5% back which was taken from me in January. There isn't any way within the existing infrastructure of our company that I can make this change. My job boils down two 3 pretty simple, yet meaningful tasks. 1.) Call Joe Asshole customer. 2.) Fill a schedule and ensure that everyone who works in our department has something to do every day. 3.) Pull product so when the technician goes to his job, he can install the gear. 4.) Repeat until hair is grey, emotions are numb, and job becomes somewhat dull and thankless. I don't want this to come off as me being unhappy with what I do, or where I work. I've said several times throughout this process of bloggage that the job I have and the people I work with are pretty amazing things. I'm incredibly fortunate that with the Dee You Eye I still have a job. A less forgiving person would have searched out a reason to not have me as part of the team anymore, and cut bait when they could. There's yet another person (people?) I can thank for the helping hand when times were tough... I just need to feel a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day, and know that there is growth potential and that I'm not stuck at a job, I'm working in my career. Scary stuff when I think about it too much. It's very much a family, and it's a family I am very thankful that I have.... even though most of them are giant dongs who would stab me in the back at a moments notice. The good folks make the job totally awesome. On to some more fun reasons...

Social Life. I would trade nothing in this world for the friends I have and the friends I've made. All of them have been incredibly supportive of my stupid ass since this disaster happened. I've been limited as to where I can go and who I can visit. People take me places, and pick me up from places, give me rides home and have been the best group of people I can imagine. I look forward to being able to repay each and every one of them for every minute of their kindness. I don't know how to go about this, and I wish I did because I would've started on 4/12/08... which is the day of the first helping hand who reached out to me. Maybe it's something I already do without consciously processing it... I don't know. But mark my words, I will make it up to each and every person... somehow.


Living situation. I'm limited to live somewhere next to a bus stop. I need to get from point A to point B 10 times weekly, and I'm incredibly lucky to have that at my disposal. If I lived 2 miles either way I'd be working somewhere else, making less money, having less of a chance to shine, and hating every minute of it. Looking at the locale I live in and the employment options that are available I'd sooner whore myself out to 70 year old men at the corner bar. Really...? Drug store clerk. Nope. Shoe salesman. Nope. Gym trainer... ha! There isn't a big market for a guy with pretty OK social skills, limited post secondary education and no driving ability. But there probably is a pretty big calling for a 20-something manwhore down at the corner bar. Wouldn't Dad be proud!? It's quite a shame. Back to the work thing... if I had me a car (and a license... so far so good!) I could drive for work, advance to a position that would require some driving, and make more money. More money would mean not being confined to the living situation I'm in right now, and I could (gasp) start giving money to whoever helps finance my house and not some dirtbag landlord who looks inside the house he owns and see a collection of walking dollar signs. He's making money off of us, and I can't stand that. I get zero return on my investment. ZERO.


Ok... here's the part where you come in. If you read this. I've shared this little guy with a very few people... but I need something to talk about. I need something that isn't miserable thoughts about how crappy I've become, how much I've screwed myself with my brainless decisions, and how much I want everything in the world but don't know how to get it. There's a little button down there... i think it says "Comments". Click that little guy. Give me something to ramble on about. I'd love to take the time, but I'm really all out of things to say... for instance... "I went out and played pool last night, then I ate a sandwich". How many days can I really talk about that and have it be fun to read? How can I expand on that? So... get started. I'm going to go shower and wish it was another day, in another house, with the same music collection, the same cat, the same friends, and a better outlook. Go!

First topic wins. But remember, my mom reads this. Nothing about the Thai Hooker incident of '99, or that time we snorted so much heroin we woke up in the freight train on the way to Richmond. Those are jokes, mom. She was a Thai Slut. Not a hooker. Didn't cost me a dime. I hope you see the humor in that... in response to your email... I've done my laundry, I still wear kids shoes, and My Orphan Year is a really good tune.. it's just kind of sad and reminds me of mortality. Nothing I can identify with so much... nothing I ever hope to.

I'm going to shower and then I'm off to sleep. This fresh air coming through my window is really saving my day, but I don't want to remember today anymore. It's been a real drag. I'm gonna put on my sugary fake face tomorrow, and the goal is to have no one ask "what's wrong". First person who does, is getting punched in the goddamn ear.