This road bubbles in the heat...

I woke up with a snout! It's happening! My goal has been realized, and I think it's also been achieved. I win. Take that! I've got a slight tickle in my throat, a runny nose, I spent the better half of my morning rolling around an playing in my own poop. Yes folks... it's on. Strap yourselves in, come on over, hang out with me. I'll breathe on you, we can share straws, drink gallons of each others spit, maybe I pee on you, I'll make vegetable soup and stir the pot with my hand, and if it helps, we'll bleed on each other. If there is one thing I've learned from my time on this wonderful planet full of all of you wonderful people... it's the ability to share. I don't think I've ever been an (incredibly) selfish person... I just want to get some pig on my friends. That's all. Seems like the nice thing to do.

Funny. I made me a little post a few days ago about how I thought all of my friends would turn into dongs after they got married and had kids. Turns out, from an email I received from a concerned friend, that maybe it's be who has turned into a dong. I guess I've kind of socially "shut down" a little bit since I got my incredibly uplifting, spirit raising, test of will power, ray of sunshine beaming out of my ass DUI. I've been kind of limited to hanging out in places I can get to by public transportation, or with the assistance of my friends... who have been very supportive even though I kind of disastered myself. Places like Exton and Collegeville aren't really in a good place for me to get to without a bus ride followed by a long walk, or a bike ride. I don't feel comfortable inviting my friends (with kids) over to our house because if I had a kid, I don't think I'd want him/her eating dirt off of our floor, playing with the knives in our coffee table, or eating cat toys off the floor. Our house is not conducive to children. Perhaps I bite the bullet and just invite some people over... get my big toe in there... test the waters. Maybe I do some kind of big ol' raging beer party where things are BBQ'd, friends hang out, and people have some fun. Every time I do one of these damn things it turns out to be 4 people sitting inside (because it's raining outside... just my luck!) staring at each other.... everyone with things to say but no one willing to cast the first verbal stone. Maybe I'm a big fan of other awkward people, or maybe I bring out the awkward in people. I don't know. I'm sure if i think about it enough I can come up with some reason why this is all my fault... gee, how unlike me.

I ate something last night that I knew I shouldn't have eaten. Hamburger Helper. I had the hamburger, and I had the "mix". Right after putting the "mix" into the cooked beef, Jaime points out that the expiration date on the "mix" is October of last year. I should have dropped back 10 yards and punted right there, but I forged on like the warrior (read: stubborn goon) I am. Needless to say I was a crap machine for about an hour before I finally went to bed. Damnit! I knew it was stupid going into it, and I should have drawn the line. I didn't. I paid the piper. I'd say "live and learn", but I think I'd only get halfway there. Learning probably didn't happen...

Well, I've written enough for right now. I want to share this with people, and I have shared it with 3 people. Hi Mom! Hope all is well, and I hope you get some rain! I'm tired of it up here... we're on 3 or 4 straight days, and it's making your son's "less than adult" footwear smell awful. I wish i could bottle it all and send it to you! Call your son at some point and tell him to buy more adult footwear, and ask him if he's keeping up on his laundry... he needs that. Hi Pat! I'm stoked to see you, your beautiful wife and your poop/vomit machine awesome baby on Saturday, "We'll knock back a few, and talk about life...". I'm thinking once we tie a few on, I'll borrow your family car and take your son up to the watering hole and he can get his first Appletini with Uncle Noah... first of many. Hi Jaime! Thanks for beating me at 9-ball last night, it was quite the humbling experience. In return, I have hidden one turd in your bedroom (it's a people turd), you get a prize if you can find it... the prize? Swine Flu.

Later, worms.