WHOA! I'm some kind of Nostradamus! I spelled that wrong! You'll see in the last post "It's Friday night at the middle school mixer, I've got my eye on you" that i stated (predicted) that I would round out an evening with beer and tacos. I don't mean to get all "Psychic Dude" on you... but see? I'm magical, and there ain't a goddamn thing you can do about it! Ha! Doom wins again! Why? Because Doom always wins! Yay!
Seriously, though? Fuck today.
Let's start back a bit further and try and recap some of the awesomeness that has been every day that has led up to today. Friday? Go ahead. I'm sure you've got some questions from me... fire away. Hey, you... the kid in the back with stupid shirt and the glasses... oh.. what? Oh. You were stretching... i thought you had your hand up. My bad. Fine. Once again, a less that responsive audience... I'll do what I do worst, and just ramble on and try and create some semblance of meaning with all of these words... Check it out.
Friday I went to work, and golly gee wasn't that just the time of my life. No. Not really. I did get news from Bucket that he would be up in our area around 3:30pm. So let it be written, so let it be done... Bucket was there at 3:30pm like clockwork. We went back to my house and I took a shower, and drank 3 beers. 1 of which was in the shower. The other 2 were porch beers. From there we left to meet the usual crew of suspects, misfits, jerks, and friends. We had fun. Well... i don't want to speak for everyone else, but I had fun. I think everybody in Hatfield knows I had fun. Oops. At least I didn't sing karaoke... that would have just put me over the "having a reasonable amount of fun" part and right into "ohboyihopeidon'trememberthisville". Ha. Came back to the house I live in shortly after a stop to the grocery store. Tacos were made, eaten, and eventually (not that same evening [i think]) pooped. Woke up. Walked around and fell asleep on the front porch for a little bit, and next thing I know... it's SATURDAY!
What did I do with my Saturday? Another great question. Any takers? Eh... screw it. I'm talking to myself here. Bucket came over around 4pm and we ate some cookies and devised an afternoon plan of epic proportions. We put it into action... it went like this... (my plan, at least... it seemed others had different agendas)
First stop would be Dairy Queen where I would purchase 1 Chili Cheese Dog. The Chili Cheese Dog was to be eaten en route to McDonalds. Once I had arrived my plan was to get a $1 chicken sandwich, and a $1 double cheeseburger. There was no chicken sandwich, so some improvisation needed to be done. The order was a $1 Double Cheeseburger and a 4 piece Chicken McNuggets. I combined the two, so I had a double cheeseburger with 4 pieces of (creepy) "chicken" adorning the burger. I ate that on the way to Burger King. While at burger king, I "enjoyed" a spicy chicken sandwich, and a Whopper Jr. Only the bread from one sandwich was used, as to not get too filled up. My journey had only begun. I ate my Spicy Chicken Burger disaster on my way to Wendy's. The tank was starting to fill up at this point, but as a friend (Juan) once told me "there's nothing to it, but to do it". I ordered a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and a Chicken Sandwich of some kind, and proceeded to make sandwich #3 for the journey. I ate that on the way to Dunkin' Donuts where I rounded the entire "meal" off with a Glazed Donut. This "afternoon plan of epic proportions" probably took about 3 months off of my life, and I haven't eaten as much fast food this year as I did on Saturday. I felt like a CHAMP (gas, funny poo, stomach pains etc.) until about 3pm the next day.
Sunday? ... to hell with it. Here's what I did. I woke up around 4:30am and hung out for a little bit. Bucket was asleep on the couch and I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I went back to sleep. It seemed like the most logical course of action. I finally woke up at 9am and did next to nothing to the next ton of hours. Brandon came over and night and we played pool for a bit, watched some baseball, and ate Chinese food. It was pretty awesome. A lazy Sunday was kind of what the Dr. (me) ordered, and it worked out very stress free, and awesome. Unlike my previous say (Saturday) spent bettering myself and eating healthy.
Today! This one was one for the goddamn books. Someone, somewhere will write about this day in a book titled "Top 100 Shittiest Days Ever". I woke up early so I could get ready for court. Fun. I got ready for court. I left the house at 9:45am and was on my way to what should be my last day of dealing with being jerked around and feeling like a dipshit. I desperately want to move on to something else that makes me feel stupid... this one is just getting out of hand. I love riding the train. I can't get enough of a long local train ride. There's all kinds of fun stuff to look at as you pass through different neighborhoods, there's quality people watching to do and I can listen to music and be left alone. It's kind of nice. I'm enjoying myself doing nothing on the train, listening to Dear Landlord ("Trying To Keep Four Walls From Doing Their Worst" has referenced this band, and an entry in late May. It's not too late to order this record.) as I recall and my phone rings. It's "Joe Awesome Lawyer" and he's letting me know that I'll be there on my own, again, and that there is no need for him to be there. Great. What the hell kind of "return" have I seen on my initial "investment" of $5K for legal defense? Nothing. A series of phone calls that turn out to be a bigger series of fucking letdowns. Once again, and certainly not the last time, Great.
I get to the Criminal Justice Center on 13th and Filbert (or as I like to call it, my home away from home) and waited 1 hour for the mornings work to finish, and the afternoon (Scheduled: 12pm) to start. I walk in, date and sign 2 papers, walk 5 feet, date and sign 1 paper. Give a woman my phone number, and I'm gone. Just like that. Just like I've done several times before. Just like my time means nothing. Just like their time means nothing. Everyone is happy. Someone shows up, something gets signed, people fall asleep in a courthouse, people have shitty haircuts and pseudo-important looks, plenty of money changes hands and nothing else ever changes. It amazes me. I could show up with my underwear outside of my pants, 3 sheets to the wind drunk and carrying a pants load of fresh crap and I would get the same result! I'll never get it. I don't want to get it. I just want to shake this dark cloud.
Then I got on the train (awesome. relief!) and head back to Lansdale. I get off of the train just in time to see my bus leaving. 1 hour wait. Nothing to do. I contemplated eating french fries with gravy at Huey's, but didn't.
Now I'm sitting here, pissed off, and feeling once again like the goddamn fool. Awesome. I hope every part of the American Legal System is this effective, this efficient, and knows how to spend your money and mine just as carefully as they can. I know that this had absorbed thousands and thousands of dollars by now, and it just blows my fucking mind.
Sorry I cursed so much Mom. I'll make it up to you in my future entry "There's a Unicorn in my Backyard. Like... right now."
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